The Journey of Motherhood

“Motherhood brings as much joy as ever, but it still brings boredom, exhaustion, and sorrow too. Nothing else ever will make you as happy or as sad, as proud or as tired, for nothing is quite as hard as helping a person develop his own individuality especially while you struggle to keep your own."

It’s kind of ironic that I came across this quote today. I don’t remember how I ended up reading it but the words hit me pretty hard. I can’t say that I agree with every word. Boredom is definitely not a part of my life, especially when it comes to my children. However, I can agree with joy, exhaustion, and pride.

Over the past 11 years Jason and I have created a family like no other. We have been blessed with three beautiful and amazing children. I look at their bright faces everyday and wonder how I was lucky enough to be chosen to be a part of their lives. As if that’s not enough, I am the one who gets to be their mom!

I have learned over the years that motherhood changes you. From the moment I held Bryanna, I knew I wanted to be a better person. All of the things that I thought were important became a distant memory. The only thing that mattered to me was the well being of my family. Becoming a mom gave me a strength I never knew I had. I discovered a type of love that is unique and precious. The birth of Kalyssa and Travin only strengthened my desire to be the best mom I could be.

March 26, 2000, March 1, 2004, and September 14, 2005 will always be days that I treasure with all of my heart. Not only did I get to meet my children for the very first time, I also became a mommy. As I held each of my children in my arms, I felt the immediate bond that comes along with motherhood. The bonds that were formed between Bryanna and I, Kalyssa and I, and Travin and I are all special and unique in their own ways. I never knew that type of connection was possible until those three extraordinary days happened.

Being a parent is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. In the back of my mind I am always questioning whether or not I am making the right choices. Bryanna is very smart, wise beyond her years. As she gets closer to becoming a teenager, I ask myself if I am giving her the right words of advice or if I am answering her questions in all the right ways. I want all my children to know that they can always count on me, especially during the difficult times. I am realizing now as I watch my daughter develop into her own person that "growing-up" happens faster than I actually want it too and it can be very challenging to stay on top of the things that are going on around her. When it comes to Kalyssa, I am always questioning whether or not I am giving her all that she needs. As if being the middle child isn’t hard enough, she is only 18 months older than her brother. Sometimes I feel like she got the short end of the stick. There are times when I look at her and hope to God that I didn’t deprive her of any special one on one mommy time. She is my attention seeker and I always worry that it’s because I may not have given her enough early on in life. She is my little love bug and I love the fact that hugs and kisses can always make things a million times better. Travin is a whole different story. There are only a few people that know how bad I struggled during his first year and half of life. Those few know that I was eventually diagnosed with postpartum depression. I hid it from most of the people in my life because I was ashamed of being weak. I was scared that people wouldn’t understand and that they would think I was making excuses or not strong enough to be a good mother. That was actually my worst nightmare because all I truly wanted in life was to be the best parent I could be to my kids. I never wanted to be in a position where I let them down. When I was diagnosed, I felt like that was exactly what happened and it crushed me. To this day I still struggle with these feelings deep inside. I tend to blame myself for a lot of things, especially when it comes to Travin. I look at my son today and I couldn’t imagine my life without him in it. He brings a burst of fresh energy with him from the moment he crawls into bed with me in the morning until the moment I tuck him into his bed at night. Although it can wear me down, his energy is what often keeps me going throughout the day.

This is a little strange for me to be sharing all of this, especially so openly. Today was a challenging day for me. I tend to write a lot of things out in my personal journal but today I started typing. Travin had one of his melt downs this afternoon. I don’t know if it’s because we haven’t experienced one in awhile or what, but for some reason this one really got to me. After trying to calm him down for 45 minutes, I completely broke down. I fought away tears and held my son as tight as I could. He kicked and screamed, tried to bite me and pinch me and I held strong for 45 long minutes but then I just couldn’t anymore. I let go of my son and I just started crying. For the first time, I turned my back on my son. I put my running shoes on, told Jason I had to leave, and went for a long run. As I ran, I thought about everything that I have gone through with Travin for the past 4 ½ years. The first year and half is a blur for me. I know in my heart the things I said and the things I felt. There are some things that I will always carry with me, things that I will always be sorry for but can’t ever take back.

Over the past 2 years things have gotten better. I have always just tried to take each day as it comes. Something like today happens and it makes me question everything about myself. I start to wonder if I have made the right choices or if I have been the best parent I know how to be. It’s very hard to struggle with these questions. When I got back from my run, my son was sound asleep on the floor where I left him. I sat on the ground next to him and just rubbed his back. I couldn’t stop my tears as I watched him sleep peacefully. He fought very hard to push me away for 45 minutes and his body was exhausted. I gave myself 15 minutes to just be with him. Watching him, brought back all of the fears I’ve tucked away for the past 4 years. In some ways I feel like I have failed him as a mom. I can’t for the life of me understand why he gets so angry. When he gets angry, he tends to take it out on me. It’s very hard to sit in a room with your child and watch the anger vent from every angle of his body. The only answers I have for myself take me back to the first year of his life. This is probably one of the worst cycles to be in as a parent. When I walked out of his room, my girls were waiting quietly in the living room. They walked up to me and gave me a big hug. No words were said. The emotions of our afternoon were felt all throughout the house. Tonight after dinner, Trav crawled up into my lap. I sat on the couch with all three of my kids next to me. We read You Are All My Favorites, said our bedtime prayers, and then I put them to bed.

I know that every day will not be perfect and I have learned to accept that some days will be better than others. I know that I am very fortunate because at the end of the day, I am able to tuck my kids into bed, kiss them goodnight, and tell them that I love them. Believe me, for this, I thank my lucky stars!!

From the very beginning, each of my children had their own personalities and their own agendas. They have each brightened up my life in their own special way. They have filled my heart with love and joy and pride. Over the next few years my children will begin to establish who they are and what their place in this world will be. I know in my heart that I was put on this earth to make a difference in the lives of children. I would like to think that it all began with my own children. I hope that with each passing day I am doing what needs to be done to help my children grow and learn. I hope that at the end of each day my children know just how much I love them and that no matter what I will always be here for them. Bryanna, Kalyssa, and Travin are my life. They have given me more than I could have ever imagined having. Bringing in their own personalities into our family has made us exactly who we were meant to be "The Mall Family, a family like no other."