The Journey of Motherhood

“Motherhood brings as much joy as ever, but it still brings boredom, exhaustion, and sorrow too. Nothing else ever will make you as happy or as sad, as proud or as tired, for nothing is quite as hard as helping a person develop his own individuality especially while you struggle to keep your own."

It’s kind of ironic that I came across this quote today. I don’t remember how I ended up reading it but the words hit me pretty hard. I can’t say that I agree with every word. Boredom is definitely not a part of my life, especially when it comes to my children. However, I can agree with joy, exhaustion, and pride.

Over the past 11 years Jason and I have created a family like no other. We have been blessed with three beautiful and amazing children. I look at their bright faces everyday and wonder how I was lucky enough to be chosen to be a part of their lives. As if that’s not enough, I am the one who gets to be their mom!

I have learned over the years that motherhood changes you. From the moment I held Bryanna, I knew I wanted to be a better person. All of the things that I thought were important became a distant memory. The only thing that mattered to me was the well being of my family. Becoming a mom gave me a strength I never knew I had. I discovered a type of love that is unique and precious. The birth of Kalyssa and Travin only strengthened my desire to be the best mom I could be.

March 26, 2000, March 1, 2004, and September 14, 2005 will always be days that I treasure with all of my heart. Not only did I get to meet my children for the very first time, I also became a mommy. As I held each of my children in my arms, I felt the immediate bond that comes along with motherhood. The bonds that were formed between Bryanna and I, Kalyssa and I, and Travin and I are all special and unique in their own ways. I never knew that type of connection was possible until those three extraordinary days happened.

Being a parent is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. In the back of my mind I am always questioning whether or not I am making the right choices. Bryanna is very smart, wise beyond her years. As she gets closer to becoming a teenager, I ask myself if I am giving her the right words of advice or if I am answering her questions in all the right ways. I want all my children to know that they can always count on me, especially during the difficult times. I am realizing now as I watch my daughter develop into her own person that "growing-up" happens faster than I actually want it too and it can be very challenging to stay on top of the things that are going on around her. When it comes to Kalyssa, I am always questioning whether or not I am giving her all that she needs. As if being the middle child isn’t hard enough, she is only 18 months older than her brother. Sometimes I feel like she got the short end of the stick. There are times when I look at her and hope to God that I didn’t deprive her of any special one on one mommy time. She is my attention seeker and I always worry that it’s because I may not have given her enough early on in life. She is my little love bug and I love the fact that hugs and kisses can always make things a million times better. Travin is a whole different story. There are only a few people that know how bad I struggled during his first year and half of life. Those few know that I was eventually diagnosed with postpartum depression. I hid it from most of the people in my life because I was ashamed of being weak. I was scared that people wouldn’t understand and that they would think I was making excuses or not strong enough to be a good mother. That was actually my worst nightmare because all I truly wanted in life was to be the best parent I could be to my kids. I never wanted to be in a position where I let them down. When I was diagnosed, I felt like that was exactly what happened and it crushed me. To this day I still struggle with these feelings deep inside. I tend to blame myself for a lot of things, especially when it comes to Travin. I look at my son today and I couldn’t imagine my life without him in it. He brings a burst of fresh energy with him from the moment he crawls into bed with me in the morning until the moment I tuck him into his bed at night. Although it can wear me down, his energy is what often keeps me going throughout the day.

This is a little strange for me to be sharing all of this, especially so openly. Today was a challenging day for me. I tend to write a lot of things out in my personal journal but today I started typing. Travin had one of his melt downs this afternoon. I don’t know if it’s because we haven’t experienced one in awhile or what, but for some reason this one really got to me. After trying to calm him down for 45 minutes, I completely broke down. I fought away tears and held my son as tight as I could. He kicked and screamed, tried to bite me and pinch me and I held strong for 45 long minutes but then I just couldn’t anymore. I let go of my son and I just started crying. For the first time, I turned my back on my son. I put my running shoes on, told Jason I had to leave, and went for a long run. As I ran, I thought about everything that I have gone through with Travin for the past 4 ½ years. The first year and half is a blur for me. I know in my heart the things I said and the things I felt. There are some things that I will always carry with me, things that I will always be sorry for but can’t ever take back.

Over the past 2 years things have gotten better. I have always just tried to take each day as it comes. Something like today happens and it makes me question everything about myself. I start to wonder if I have made the right choices or if I have been the best parent I know how to be. It’s very hard to struggle with these questions. When I got back from my run, my son was sound asleep on the floor where I left him. I sat on the ground next to him and just rubbed his back. I couldn’t stop my tears as I watched him sleep peacefully. He fought very hard to push me away for 45 minutes and his body was exhausted. I gave myself 15 minutes to just be with him. Watching him, brought back all of the fears I’ve tucked away for the past 4 years. In some ways I feel like I have failed him as a mom. I can’t for the life of me understand why he gets so angry. When he gets angry, he tends to take it out on me. It’s very hard to sit in a room with your child and watch the anger vent from every angle of his body. The only answers I have for myself take me back to the first year of his life. This is probably one of the worst cycles to be in as a parent. When I walked out of his room, my girls were waiting quietly in the living room. They walked up to me and gave me a big hug. No words were said. The emotions of our afternoon were felt all throughout the house. Tonight after dinner, Trav crawled up into my lap. I sat on the couch with all three of my kids next to me. We read You Are All My Favorites, said our bedtime prayers, and then I put them to bed.

I know that every day will not be perfect and I have learned to accept that some days will be better than others. I know that I am very fortunate because at the end of the day, I am able to tuck my kids into bed, kiss them goodnight, and tell them that I love them. Believe me, for this, I thank my lucky stars!!

From the very beginning, each of my children had their own personalities and their own agendas. They have each brightened up my life in their own special way. They have filled my heart with love and joy and pride. Over the next few years my children will begin to establish who they are and what their place in this world will be. I know in my heart that I was put on this earth to make a difference in the lives of children. I would like to think that it all began with my own children. I hope that with each passing day I am doing what needs to be done to help my children grow and learn. I hope that at the end of each day my children know just how much I love them and that no matter what I will always be here for them. Bryanna, Kalyssa, and Travin are my life. They have given me more than I could have ever imagined having. Bringing in their own personalities into our family has made us exactly who we were meant to be "The Mall Family, a family like no other."

Welcome Home

We have officially been in our house for two weeks!! Needless to say the past couple of weeks have been INSANE! I can honestly say that moving is never fun! I think I tricked myself into believing that things would be better and easier this time around because we were moving into our own home. Things didn’t exactly work out as perfectly as I had hoped :) You would think that after 11 years of living the military lifestyle, I would have known better. Okay so it hasn’t been completely horrible and there are so many things that could have happened that luckily didn’t. However, I still think that moving is not a fun task to undertake no matter what the situation is. We are definitely counting our blessings that we have been able to get things done as fast as we have. I have to say that we were very fortunate to have had help from our parents.

Our moving “expedition” began back on Monday June 21st. Pops (aka Jason’s dad), flew to California from Oregon just to help us with the 1700 mile drive from Hesperia to Haughton. With the help of walkie talkie’s and coffee, Jason, Pops, and Millie made the trip in just 2 days. The first day they drove from California to New Mexico. Our wonderful friends (D & H Dupont) welcomed them into their home for the night. They were both grateful for the warm shower, the food, and a goodnight’s rest. The second day they traveled on one of the much dreaded interstates the cuts through Texas. It was a long and boring drive but they managed to get through it and made it to Louisiana late Tuesday night.

On Wednesday June 23rd, the kids and I said our goodbyes to Nana, Papa, and the west coast. We boarded the plane with my parents in tow and headed south for Shreveport, Louisiana. I have to admit, I was a little emotional on the plane. The flight was short and the kids were wonderful. We had our first run in with good ol’ southern humidity as soon as we took our first steps off the plane. Jason picked us up at the airport. We made our way down highway 20 and headed home for the first time as a family. It was pretty great to be able to share that moment with my parents. The kids were so excited they could hardly contain themselves. They had so many questions about our house and the area where we were going to live. They were excited to see their new school. Once we pulled into the community, their eyes lit up. They had so much to look at. We drove by the horse stables, the lake, the park, and the pool. All three of the kids had grins on their faces that stretched from ear to ear. It was definitely a moment I will always treasure! Of course they picked out our house right away (daddy’s car kind of gave it away). Pops and Millie were anxiously awaiting our arrival. I have to say that having Pops in our new home meant a lot to all of us. It was a nice “welcome home” gift to have him waiting to welcome us! For the first time in our almost 12 years of marriage, Jason was able to carry me over the threshold. I know it sounds a little corny. Even I couldn’t stop laughing but it was a new experience for us and one that will always be cherished.







We took the grand tour with the kids. They all fell in love with their rooms. The girls were pretty excited to finally have their own space. All three kids immediately had ideas on what they wanted to do to their bedrooms. Luckily we were able to get our household goods delivered right away. Our first weekend in Louisiana was spent unpacking boxes. The biggest challenge has been finding a spot for all of our stuff. Every house is different which makes every space different. After being in one area for almost 6 years, it has been a bit of a challenge to find a spot for all of the little odds and ends. We lost space in some areas but gained it in other areas. It’s taking some adjustment on my part but I am getting there slowly :) We are gradually finding the perfect space to place all of our belongings.

This past week, we have made our first real big purchases (and a few that aren’t quite so big). We bought a refrigerator and ordered custom blinds for the whole house. Our blinds will be installed tomorrow. I CAN”T WAIT!! The kitchen, dining room, and living room areas are complete. We have finished piecing together the kid’s bedrooms and bathroom. The only rooms that are left are the master bedroom and bathroom and the garage. With the help of my parents and Pops, we have made pretty good progress in two weeks time. (When you get the chance to read this, please know that we are very grateful for all of your help! We couldn't have done it without all of you. You definitely helped make our transition easier to handle. THANK YOU!!!)

Since we have been here, we have experienced a few thunderstorms (the kids including the dog are NOT fans :) and more rain in two weeks than we got in a whole year in California. We have seen a lot of dragonflies and a few lightning bugs (no alligators; YET). We have also gotten to celebrate our first holiday as a family in our new home.

Crazy! Insane! Chaotic! Whatever it has been, in the end, it has all been worth it!! We are not completely settled in and I am sure it will be a few more weeks before we are. The journey that got us to this point has been stressful, exciting, emotional, terrifying, blissful and so much more. We got through it all and we did it as a family. On July 1st, we made our first house payment. We both had butterflies in our stomachs as we pressed the payment key on the computer. Jason and I agreed that we kind of like being real grown-ups :) We are slowly learning that life as a homeowner is never ending. There is always going to be something to fix or something that needs to get done but for the first time ever, we both have the want to do whatever needs to get done because this is our home!

Class of 2010

This year we had two graduates!! Kalyssa graduated from Kindergarten and Travin graduated from Preschool. They both did very well in school. We are very proud of their accomplishments.

I decided to put a slide show together because I had so many great pictures that I wanted to share :) I actually made a video with music but I couldn't get it to post on the blogger site. Kalyssa and Travin even picked out a special song to go along with their graduation movie. They chose I Gotta Feeling by the Black Eyed Peas because that was the song that was played during my graduation ceremony from the University of La Verne. I received my Bachelors Degree in Liberal Studies with an emphasis in Education back in January. That song is known as "Mommy's Graduation Song" in our house :) It's pretty neat that I get to share the Class of 2010 title with both Kalyssa and Travin!!!

School Field Trips

I just finished uploading a bunch of pictures onto my laptop so I thought I'd share. We had been without an Internet connection for so long that I hardly ever went on the computer. There were so many pictures that I forgot about! I am going to try to not go overboard :)

End of the year field trips are always so much fun! This year I was fortunate enough to be able to go on all of the kids field trips. Travin and Kalyssa ended up having their field trips at the same place but on different days. In the month of April, I got to go to Underwood Family Farms in Moorpark twice :) We got to pet and feed different animals. We also got to take a tractor ride through the strawberry fields. The kids and I got to pick a basket of strawberries. Let's just say that we had everything from strawberry shortcake to strawberry pancakes and homemade strawberry milkshakes. They ended their day with a picnic lunch and then some free time to run and play with their classmates. We rolled down the grassy hill a couple of times and played tag through the giant tire before we boarded the bus. I'm not sure how they both talked me into rolling down the hill but they did :)





Bryanna's class got to go to the Ty Warner Sea Center in Santa Barbara. Her class had been learning a lot about the different landscapes in our area. Living next to the beach, we get to see first hand what happens to the sand over time because of the waves. This was very important in their lesson at the Sea Center. The students where able to get a hands on experience. They got to explore the sand by taking a walk to find the things that create the sand in the Santa Barbara area. They got to see several types of sands that are found in different parts of the world. They also got to go inside the Sea Center to meet the different creatures that are found in the Pacific Ocean. It was a really neat experience for them. They got to touch and hold different creatures. Bryanna was a little scared of the shark tank but I can't say that I blame her because the first shark that was pulled out of the water was snapping pretty violently. It was nice to sit with Bry and a few of her friends on a grassy area near the ocean. I got to enjoy lunch with my daughter while listening to some "girl talk" It was definitely a fun day!

Goodbye LVS

WOW!!! I can’t believe that June is already here! Where has the time gone? Two weeks from today, we will be settling into our new home and our new life. Needless to say our family has been a little busy over the past couple of weeks. I have somehow managed to neglect our family blog:)So, it looks as though I have some updating to do.

After all of the stresses and major headaches that occurred while buying our home, I am excited to share that as of May 24, 2010, we are official homeowners!! YAY!!! It is truly a feeling like no other. Every time we talk about it, we both get butterflies in the pit of our stomachs. The process was long and very stressful but well worth it in the end because as of that special date, we can officially say that we own our very own home!

Although we were on speaker phone throughout the entire process, both Jason and I were both a little uneasy about not being there for the actual closing process. It is hard to put all of your faith and trust into someone you don’t really know especially when it comes to something as big as purchasing a home. I think the hardest part was the final walk through. We knew what needed to be fixed yet, we weren’t there to make sure it was done properly. Luckily our real estate agent and our home inspector were both there. I have to say that we were extremely fortunate to find a real estate company that cares so much about the people they represent. Our real estate agent is amazing! Our experience with her has been better than I ever could have hoped for. Every one that we have worked with has made this process truly remarkable. I will forever be grateful for all that they have done for us!

The kids have been super busy at school. End of the year activities have kept us all very busy. Between field trips, fundraisers, graduations, a concert, running the preschool PTC and just trying to help out with three different classrooms, I am hardly ever home. It’s busy and hectic but I wouldn’t trade the time I’ve been able to spend with my children this year for anything in the world!!

Bryanna has been working very hard on several different projects. Usually the big fourth grade project is the California Mission report. Bryanna had the opportunity to work on Mission San Francisco de Asis. It was an amazing learning experience for her (and me too). This year she was also one of the few fourth grade students that were selected to be a part of the fifth grade science fair. Science is a subject that Bryanna has come to love. She loves to learn about the environment so it was no surprise when she came home and announced that she wanted her project to be something related to the life sciences. She decided to test the life of a plant. She put together three different environments for three plants. She researched many different things and spent a lot of time recording data. She put together a report and constructed a board to present at the school science fair. She worked really hard on her project. Her intellect and creativeness really shined. She got a lot of positive feedback from parents, teachers, and fellow students. Kalyssa and Travin were both very proud of their sister. From what I was told, they were both extremely eager to share her work with their classmates. On top of all of this and her regular studies, Bryanna has also been working really hard in band. She started beginning band this year and has really come a long way. Last week, she got to perform in her very first band concert. I have to say that this year has been a rather unique one for Bry. As a parent, it has been amazing to watch her grow and develop. She is becoming a very unique person with her own thoughts and opinions. It is so incredible to be able to watch her transform. The night of the concert as I watched my daughter perform, all I could do was cry. She was literally beaming with pride and of course so was her family! She is growing up so fast!

Kalyssa will be graduating from Kindergarten on Thursday June 10th. I can’t even believe it! She has been very busy the past few weeks practicing songs for her graduation program. Somehow she has managed to keep it all a surprise. I am very eager to see what she has in store for us. It is unreal how fast the time has gone. I remember taking her to meet her new teacher Mrs. Guerrero right before school started. She was so excited because Bryanna had also had her when she was in kindergarten. She started off the year so shy and reserved. She did what she had to do but always kept to herself. Since then, she has really started to spread her wings. I’ve heard throughout the year how she is always the first one to finish all of her work so that she can be a classroom helper. She has come so far since the beginning of the school year. She has learned so many fun things this year. Kindergarten is usually the year when kids learn to tie their shoes. They get to discover math concepts along with beginning reading and writing skills. Kalyssa has had the opportunity to experience all of these things and so much more. Her favorite homework assignments has been the literacy packs. During the week she got to pick a literacy pack of her choice. Every night we read a different book from the literacy pack together. Sometimes I would read to her. Other times she would read to me. She would write a couple of sentences about the book and then draw a picture. The literacy packs also came with some type of activity, which Kalyssa described as the REALLY fun part. It has been neat to be able to watch her express herself. I love to listen to her retell a story in her own words. My fondest memory so far was the morning she crawled into bed with me with her literacy bag in tow. She took out “The Very Hungry Caterpillar” by Eric Carle and said Mommy I have a surprise for you. She read me the whole book by herself and said I've been practicing because I know it’s your favorite book and I wanted to read it to you. My heart literally melted! I guess it’s safe to say that my little butterfly is slowly learning to fly on her own.

Travin has also been a busy bee this year. This is his final year in preschool. He had his graduation ceremony on Monday June 7th. I think both Jason and I got a little teary eyed as we watched our baby boy receive his diploma from preschool. Travin has been at the same preschool for the past two years. His teachers have been able to watch him grow and develop just as we have. Last year he was the youngest child in his class. He relied on Kalyssa for everything. This year was a whole different story. From day one, Trav knew where to go and what to do. Over time he made his own set of friends and became quite the popular guy. He has grown in so many different ways and his imagination just keeps getting better and better with each passing day. The other day his teacher gave me his writing journal. It is amazing how much my son has come in just 10 short months. At the beginning of the school year, his journal was a bunch of scribbles. Now, he is very particular on what he draws and why. He takes his time and puts all his effort into what he wants to express. The stories that come along with his drawings are so creative. I don't think his mind ever stops. I know his energy doesn't:)

So, here we are at the end of the school year. Friday my children will have to say goodbye to the only life they have ever known, a life we created over the past 5 ½ years. It breaks my heart to watch them go through the emotions they have gone through especially Bry. Kalyssa and Trav are still a little young. They don’t truly understand the magnitude of this move. I know they will be sad and they will miss their friends but Bry is saying goodbye to so much more. She started her journey as a tiny kinder student learning the ways of the LVS Sea Lions. She won the hearts of all her teachers and made the best of friends. As a shining fourth grader she sets an example by being a leader, a helper, and a top honor roll student. I think that it’s kind of funny that everyone in the school knows exactly who our family is because of Bryanna. Kalyssa and Travin are known as Bryanna’s sister and brother. Up until this year, I was known as Bryanna’s mom. This year was extra special because I also got to carry the title of Kalyssa and Travin's mom:) I truly believe that the Mall family has made a lasting impression over the past few years!

We are about to embark on a true “Mall Family Expedition.” As scary as that sounds, we all know that we have so much to look forward to. Yes it will be hard to say goodbye but I think we are ready to make some new memories.