Dear Deployment

Tomorrow marks a full month since Jason left. Technically we still have a few more days before we can "officially" call it our one month down day but nonetheless, it’s been a full month without him here.

I have been processing a lot of things over the past month. Things I have learned, things I miss, basically the ins and outs of what our days are like right now. I have found a lot of support through the world of blogging. One of the blogs that I follow had this great Dear Deployment Letter. It hit so close to home that I decided to do one for myself. I couldn’t think of a better way to mark a one month down anniversary!!!

Dear Deployment,



I have come to the conclusion that I can no longer ignore your presence. Tomorrow we mark our one month anniversary together and I have learned that although I really don’t like you, I have to learn to live with you. You presence hovers over me every waking hour. You greet me in the morning and you do your best to whisper goodnight before I go to bed. Sometimes you succeed at keeping me awake but usually you just cause my nights to be restless. I do my best to escape your company but, you always find it necessary to be right at my side. It doesn’t seem to matter whether I am at home, taking the kids to school, or running with my I-pod blaring full blast in my ears, you are ALWAYS around! You have made the decision to make yourself a permanent party in this house without giving me any indication as to when you will make your way out. So for now, I have decided that it is in my best interest or maybe I should say to keep my sanity at a level of survival, I should probably do my best to accept you as you are. You have to know that this is not an easy task for me because I can honestly tell you that I DON’T LIKE YOU!!!


You complicate my life every single day. You make me miss my husband more than words could ever express. You have made my children sad. You have made my children angry. In a matter of a couple of hours, you chose to make me become a single parent. Are you starting to understand why I really don’t like you all that much? My cooking skills are lacking and I really don’t care if I get around to cleaning the bathrooms every week. Because of you, I literally walk around with my cell phone attached in some way to one of the limbs on my body. I am pretty sure that my children think I’m obsessed with my cell phone because I never walk out of the room without making sure I have it with me. It even goes to the bathroom with me. These days instead of worrying about whether or not my children are going to interrupt my shower, I am worrying about whether or not my cell phone is going to ring.


Because of you, I have the qualities of a deranged stalker. I find myself lifting the cap to My Jay’s shampoo or opening the lid to his deodorant just so that I can get a small trace of his scent, which by the way is just about completely gone from my house now. I usually walk into his closet once a day and I realized the other day that his shirts have become my nightly attire. I find myself sitting in his chair every night now. Mind you I hated this chair before he left but now whenever I sit, the chair kind of hugs me when I sink into it. So, for the time being, I love his chair!


There was a time not so long ago when I longed for the weekends to roll around. The thought of waking up next to My Jay even if only for just a few minutes before the chaotic craziness of “I’m hungry!” “Can I watch cartoons?” or just the regular Saturday morning bickering began, always brought a smile to my face. The thought of family time on the weekends was always something that could get me through my week, whether good or bad. With your constant presence lingering around, time often stands still. The one nice thing about our weekends is the fact that every Sunday the kids get to pull off one more link on their Daddy Chains.


Every moment of our lives is now captured in a picture or on video. Because of you, I have to sit at award assemblies, performances, and events by myself. I get the joy of recording every single important memory while other moms and dads get the joy of sitting together holding hands. At the end of each event while parents are hugging their children, my job is to provide not only support and love but also comfort.


You have to understand at this point why I don’t like you. However, I do have to accept you for the time being so I supposed that I should probably mention that you have provided me with a few things.


Over the past month I have learned that I really can use tools for fixing things and I’ve gotten pretty good at identifying them too. I’ve learned that I can make paper airplanes, throw a football, and wrestle on the floor until someone jumps the wrong way on my bladder. I’ve learned to scrape ice off of windshields and to take the trash out it below freezing temperatures. Haggling deals over folding the socks have come to a halt. I have to do it now and no it’s not that bad. I’ve learned that I can keep a schedule all on my own. I somehow manage to make sure the kids make it to school every day on time and to every after school activity with time to spare. I’ve learned that I have the ability to tackle homework with three kids, cook dinner, get everyone bathed, ready for school the following day, and still have time to read books, say prayers, and have a few minutes of cuddle time before its time to crawl into bed. I’ve learned that even though my bed was meant for two, an adult, three kids, and a dog can fit perfectly between the sheets for Friday night sleepovers. By the way did you know that little bodies tend to make their way into your bed during the middle of the night? I have learned this too. I usually wake up with either the dog or one of the children snoring lightly (or not so lightly if it happens to be the dog) in my ear. I’ve learned that it’s okay to put myself in a “Mommy Timeout” and that it’s okay to lock myself in the bathroom every now and then. I’ve learned that I can’t exactly plan everything out. This one has been hard for me but I have taken on a new motto in life because of you..."Put one foot in front of the other." So that’s exactly what I do as soon as my feet hit the floor each morning. I’ve also learned that I have a little bit of determination inside of me. I will get through this time with you hovering over me every second of the day. There will come a time when I get to kick you out of my house and believe me I will have won the battle at that point!!!!


P.S.


For some reason you have become fond of our house and I can understand why. I mean we do have a nice cozy home and I happen to think that we are a pretty amazing family. However, I have to tell you that the thing that makes us so amazing is the fact that we are a family of 5. We can’t be the Imperfectly Perfect Family of 5 when one of us is missing. The one who is missing right now is the one who makes us practically perfect in every way. So Deployment please be kind to our family and return our missing link to us as soon as possible!