I should be excited. I should be happy. After all, tomorrow is Sunday which means the kids will be pulling one more link off of their Daddy Chains. When I wake up tomorrow morning, we will only have 21 weeks to go. You will have to forgive me if I am not doing cartwheels but today just happens to be one of "those" days.
I woke up this morning feeling a little guilty. I started thinking about all of the nice things that I have heard from the many wonderful people in my life. There are so many of you that have faith in me. Sometimes I get emails, messages, or phone calls asking me for words of advice. I thought to myself this morning, how incredible is that? I don’t always know what to say and all I can ever do is speak from my heart. I am surrounded by people who inspire me to be a better person. Whether it’s a better mother, a better wife, a better daughter, a better sister, or a better friend, I look to my family and friends for inspiration. So, I have to tell you that I felt guilty as my head swarmed with thoughts this morning. I truly appreciate the fact that so many people have faith in me. Sometimes I wish I had more faith in myself.
Underneath the very thin top layer of this mom and wife is just a simple girl. I’m just an ordinary girl who is scared and often very lonely. I don’t always know what to do and I don’t always know what to say. I don’t always make the right choices and most of the time people don’t agree with me. I live my life the best way that I can and the only way that I know how.
I am surrounded by so many wonderful people so please understand that when I say that I’m lonely, it’s not because of lack of support or love. It has more to do with who I am as a person. I guard my emotions very well. There are very few who know the true depths of my heart and soul. The past five weeks have tested my emotions more than I ever thought possible and I know that this is only the beginning. I know that I have many more days to get through. I find it ironic that so many of you think that I am handling things so well but then I realize that most of you don’t see me on daily basis. I will admit that I get through each day with a smile on my face but honestly what other choice do I have. I have 3 little bodies counting on me to get them through their days. I have 3 sets of eyes watching my every move. I try everyday to reach a little further. I try everyday to pick up the phone. I try every night to write an email or send a message. In the end, I just can’t seem to do it. The only way I have ever known how to get myself through tough times is to keep moving forward. I guess this is why I am so focused on running and why among other reasons my studies have become the focal point of my day.
I am trying so hard to not let the little things get to me. I am attempting to not let the ignorance of others hurt me but I have to say sometimes it’s not always easy. I had someone tell me the other day that I was lucky because my husband is only gone for 6 months and at least he’s not a Marine or in the Army. Okay, first of all (excuse my language) what the hell is the supposed to mean? The last time I checked every single one of our troops is in this for the same reason! And just because my husband is in the Air Force doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have a job to do and an important one at that. Just like any other Marine wife, Army wife, Navy wife, and Coast Guard wife out there, I as an Air Force wife have the same concerns and the same fears. We all salute the same flag (or at least we should). My husband is in the United States Air Force and I am very proud of that. He serves this country proudly and we as his family stand next to him with our heads held high and our hearts full of pride!! Second of all, I understand that there are service members that are separated from their family members for longer than 6 months but how exactly does that make it any easier for my family? The last time I checked, I still had a heart and my heart misses my husband every second that he is gone. The last time I checked, a marriage was a partnership between two people. I don’t know about anyone else, but my husband and I have worked very hard in our marriage and I am very proud of the marriage we have. I know that we will get through this and any other deployment that comes up but, it doesn’t make it any easier. Jason is more than my husband, he is my best friend. When he is gone, it’s like a piece of me is missing. The last time I checked, my kids still needed to have their daddy tuck them into bed at night. They still need to feel Daddy’s arms around them. They need Eskimo kisses and butterfly kisses just because. Call me crazy but my kids like having their daddy around so, whether it’s 3 months, 6 months, or 1 year, IT SUCKS and it hurts to have him gone! Needless to say, it literally took everything I had to just walk away.
I will say that you truly learn what people are all about. There are those who only want to contact you when and if it benefits them and there are those who will be by your side no matter what happens at the end of the day. Either way, I am grateful for all that I have and for the many people that I do have in my life.
And I know I’m having one of "those" days but seriously what makes it okay for another woman to put “I Miss You” on my husband’s Facebook page?
I'm telling you. They come out of the woodwork... (Random women leaving messages for YOUR husband)
ReplyDeleteAnd, it's OK to be vulnerable. And, it's OK to have 'those' days. You are right...no matter where they go, a husband & Daddy is still being missed. I will admit though...I'm a little (ok A LOT) jealous you get daily "I love yous". ;) I only got 2 phone calls and he had no internet access. Maybe that's what they were trying to say. But, you are right...USMC, Army, Navy, Airforce...he is still someones husband, dad, brother, son and loved one and he is being missed. I've been where you are...I understand...and I am here for you. It sucks when everyone expects you to curl up in a ball and hide away. You don't have a choice. You will find strength you never knew you had. It's a humbling experience and one that ONLY military spouses will understand. And, only those who have experienced a deployment/separation. I LOVE YOU!!! YOU ARE DOING AN AMAZING JOB!!
I also hate it when people say "it could be worse". I suppose it could, but really - it's my family and life so it's bad. I think in some weird way they are trying to comfort you - but it never feels that way. Just know that you are doing the best that you can and you know what - that's all any of us can do! And it will all turn out great. If we didn't have days like this it wouldn't be real - know what I'm trying to say? Even though I may not email, or text, or whatever (cuz I suck at that!) know that you guys are constantly in my thoughts and I think your doing great!
ReplyDeleteShannon, I have been there and back girl. My hubby hasn't had to deploy yet, but he has been TDY for a few months at a time. I actually have family members who have told me that I am very lucky that he hasn't deployed yet and that his TDY's are only for a few months vs. a year. And everytime they say that to me, I just feel like saying, "ummmm..yeah...thanks for making me feel a lot worse then I already do feel." I know in some weird way they are only trying to make me see the brighter side of things...but that still doesn't make it any better. In my opinion, it doesn't matter what branch your hubby is in...Marines, Army (my whole entire family on my side and my mom's side is Army so you can imagine the things I have heard about us being Air Force and how 'lucky' we have it), Air Force, or Navy...it is still difficult. Doesn't matter whether they are deployed or TDY...or gone for a few weeks or 6 months or a year, they are still gone...away from the people who love them. Yeah...my hubby may only be gone for a few months on TDY....but what others don't see are the VERY long hours (14-15 hour days) he puts in when the base is on 12 hour shifts....or when he has to stay working after the normal 8 hours. And yes, he is physically here at the base with us when all that happens and not deployed...but he is still gone...at work...and my kids never get to see him until the weekends come around. It's still tough!
ReplyDeleteAnyway...went off on a tangent there...LOL. Rest assure and know that you are doing a great job and you will pull through this. I'm just an e-mail away if you need to vent or talk....